Happy New Year

Don't expect a long list of resolutions for this year..that never works anyways...

I simply wanted to wish you..the ones who take the time to read my silly and boring posts a Happy New Year...

It was a hectic week, between Christmas celebrations at The Ritz Carlton, to looking after Hercules ( my friends dog) and cooking New Years Eve dinner for friends... but we all made it...none of us had to be alone or depressed, we gathered at my place, and made the best of it..with the countdown and everything 😁

All I wish for this year, is to see those I cherish for life, happy and fulfilled,

Happy New Year Everyone, stay happy, and stay awesome 😙😗

Hopeless Romantic

I always had a vivid imagination, I always sobbed when the hero died in the arms of his or her beloved, I always pictured that my own life, my own love story will be as intense as the ones i watched in the big or small screen...Perhaps i was asking for too much, perhaps no one got my way of thinking...I'm a hopeless romantic who enjoys watching a sun rise in the arms of the one I love.

I had that love once (strike that out) I thought i had that love once...in my delusional state of mind, i believed that lie..that is now a far distant memory...because as soon as I pulled myself out of charade, i saw what was, what should never have been and what was to come if i was to hang on that thread of lies and deceit, and despite everything I'm still a hopeless romantic...

For months I locked my heart in a box and hid the key in a secret place and vowed, to never ever love again, or allow myself that feeling, i wasn't ready to go the heart break and pain again and again...I wasn't looking to love or to be loved all though I missed that feeling deeply, i would stop myself and say never again...and then you step into my life...and things change...

how long have we known each other? two weeks? three? why does it feel that i have known you for an eternity...you were not just a random stranger I have crossed path with someday...i know that i know you...you seem familiar...everything is easy with you...talking, venting, joking even dreaming is easier with you..

I love it when I wake up in the morning, knowing that a message will be waiting for me...your voice is the last thing i hear when i go to sleep, and the first thing I hear when i wake up...I love your random texts that hit me out of nowhere and make me giggle the whole time...and as I am a hopeless romantic you are the same..and i love that about you...

you talked about how we will watch the sunrise together, walk hand in hand, the places we would visit together and the things we will do...the food we will eat, the music we will dance to...i almost freaked out ..in my head i know I wrote all those things down in my letters to the universe ..down to the bubble bath and the lazy mornings in a rainy day...

You see me as I am...and with you I'm myself...I'm me ..that part that i buried deep long ago...and now I'm opening that box again, to let that heart beat again as it should have long ago...

Did we plan for this??? I sure didn't, till days ago we were just checking on each other from time to time..seeing how things were going..what we were up to...just random conversations and hangouts and places to go... wait for it ..your favorite word " Lounging" ...

And then you hit me out of the blue..with I like you,...I mean, ok what's not to like about me??( not striking that out) but my question to you was ..you don't even know me!!! how the hell can you like me?? 

You are thousands of miles away from me, yet it is as if you are here, there's no hour that passes by without me hearing your voice, or you checking on me...

You said you feel that we are connected, somehow, someway we are connected...i don't know how the universe works but I can tell that this is some crazy stuff going on and that I have to have faith.

I only hope ..I won't crash and burn again...and until I see you ...I'm going to have faith...because I'm a hopeless romantic. 

 

Reality Check

Life can be cruel, no, let me rephrase, people can be cruel, they play on your emotions, take you for a ride, and drop you in the middle of the abyss and expect you to be cool with it...

December 6, was a bad day...it started with waking up late with the aftermath of  food poisoning, a busy day at work with no end..and a bloody msg that somehow I was expecting but not so soon...

Why can't I be fake like the rest , why can't I hide my true face behind a mask and just pretend to be helpless...I called my friend asking her what the hell is wrong with me..am i so scary...she calmly replied..you are a deep soul..rare are those who get you and who understand you...so i called another friend and asked him the same question " what the hell is wrong with me" he replied: you are a strong woman, and you intimidated guys..don't you get it..you know exactly what you want and how you want it ..and that scares the shit out of us..." so i asked him should i just pretend to be someone I'm not? and he said..NEVER...cause there's nothing wrong with you.

I drove home exhausted, tired, my ego half bruised and thinking about next day's meetings and work load...as soon as i reached, i picked my black note book and ripped all my letters to the universe, went out to the balcony and watched them burn,,and somehow it felt good...i took a deep breath and smoked my cigarette..it just felt good seeing all that burn and turn into ash.

I was in no mood for anything..i just lay down on my couch gazing at the ceiling, my mind went blank...i'm not thinking...i can't think of anything...phones were ringing... not gonna answer that...
and I just drifted away...

Someone said to me I deserve honesty...I bet you I do..and while I have the guts to be real and raw..others hide behind false masks and pretexts.
Life goes on no matter what...that's what I've learned...

My ego might be bruised...but I'm not making it easy on anyone either...nor i'm planning change for anyone just to please him, this is me...all of me ..bad and good...you don't get to pick and chose parts of me...
Today will be another day...and I will still be me...




  

Reflection 2

This will probably be the longest post I will ever share..
First, I thank all of you, my family, friends,colleagues for the birthday wishes..i had someone sing Happy Birthday at midnight :)
Now that I'm 40, and yes still HOT AF, and no I'm not OLD...i feel the urge to give you my view on life.. and it's up to you to take it or leave it..
Life won't be always kind to you..life will give you good days where you will feel on top of your game..but life as we all know it..will fuck you over and over and over till you won't have the force to breathe and look for the easy way out.
I've been there..many time and with each lesson learned, the blows get tougher and harder...I reached rock bottom..there were days where i was enable to get out of bed, i couldn't catch a breath, i was just sick and tired of all of it..and the harder I pushed back..the more resistance i found in everything..i just couldn't get that one break that will get me back to who I'am.
It's hard to be out of balance...everything spirals around you and you feel as if you are in the middle of a tsunami...but guess what...that Tsunami will reach his end point and you will get out of it ..maybe not the same as you were before..but you will make it.
Take it from me, as I'm a bit wiser with my 40 years now :P 
Don't fight it...don't waste your energy..chose your battles and chose the ones you are willing to battle for...not everyone is worth your kindness and love..not everyone deserves your loyalty.
Set boundaries..and be selfish..be selfish and know who you really are and what you really need and deserve, never ever settle for less than you deserve, never compromise and never take shit from anyone.
I have learned the hard way...because i believed in the good nature of people " Just forget it" because it came back to bite me in my ass.
Take the time to nurture yourself, love yourself before offering your love to others, know yourself, your desires, your fears, your pains, Just take the time to be with yourself and speak to it like a little child...we all have been conditioned to follow like sheeps...and never learned how to take care of our own selves...
Cherish those who are there for you in your darkest hours, those one are the true gems in your life...and never look back and regret the past...those who are out of your life are out for your own good..
and always remember that your own happiness lies in your own hands..no one can make you happy except for yourself.
Hardships and tribulations can either make you stronger or break you into pieces..it's up to you if you want to crawl in a hole and stay there or rise like a phoenix from the ashes...stronger, wiser and hungrier... and most importantly be grateful.
I'm gonna shut up now.
Have a wonderful day and God Bless You All.
Love you.

40

Today is the beginning of the rest of my life,a new chapter, a new journey..and although life wasn't always kind to me, I still enjoy the little things that it brings my way...new friendships..new opportunities..laughter and even tears.

The past 9 months i had to face ugly truths head on..and it was tough...and it was an endless storm spinning around me..taking me out of balance...i couldn't breathe...i couldn't sleep..my life simply stopped...there were days i just felt the need and the urge to give up..there were days i wished death will simply come upon me.

Three Months ago...I was like a little kid again..jumping up and down from happiness...it was May 14, something shifted in me...i could feel that the sadness that was there was gone...there was just me...and You.

I write this to those who in a moment of despair think of the dark only and fail to see the light.
I've been there...and i could feel how the darkness was taking over ...

Life kicked me hard..broke me down...and when i tried to get up and fight back..it simply gave me the final blow...but today...I take that as an added experience for my future that is yet to come...and without what happened..i could have never known what i truly desire or deserve.

so therefore..my next 365 days...I say BRING IT ON..I'm ready ...
Today I celebrate my 40th Birthday and i know exactly which path i'm taking and where i will end up by next year...
My  best treat is yet to come... soon ..very soon.

  

Thank You All

This post is dedicated to all those who stood by me for the past six months, those who were there for me when I was going through rough time...
I could never thank you enough, for all your support and words of wisdom, all the encouragements and the love.

We say that when God closes a door he opens a window, i found many windows opening at once..everyone and each one of you was there lending me a helping hand in which ever way possible.

Parents, brothers, dear friends, colleagues, my boss, my management, clients, even Mr. Stranger I crossed path with at a petrol station ( your words are still ringing in my ears)...
you may never get to read this...but my gratitude to you is beyond words...I will be forever thankful.

With your help and constant support, I was able to face my own demons and be where I am at today.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart and God bless you all as he blessed me with your presence in my life.

Finally

I'm writing this on June 12, yet this will only be published on the 19th or 20th, one week or so ..because on that day I will be officially and finally free...free to live my life at the fullest...without judgement without the shadow of still being "married" and that i have to wait the 3 months period to be able to get on with my life " not that I've been locked in a dark room without windows or something...it only means that i can finally fall in love and get on with my life.

My girl friends promised me a night out to celebrate the end of this messed up period...mentally, emotionally and physically I have done all the work that was needed on myself and I moved on...and today i just wonder how on earth did I stay in that marriage for so long...even when people ask me why did I stay for so long ..I don't seem to find an answer!!!

Today I celebrate my new life ahead...close the doors on a bitter sweet past "but mostly bitter"...today I embrace my new journey...I don't know where the roads will end up leading me ..but all I know is that I'm hungry for life, striving for fulfillment, accomplishments and success...too many doors started opening for me, too many signs of synchronicity are popping all over at all times...things I didn't believe i could do yesterday seem so easy and effortless.

I missed on life for 7 years, 7 years I thought or let me say I was under the illusion of being alive while i was dead inside...and tho the struggle was real..the pain tore me apart when the divorce papers were signed and I cried my soul out...today I can see, that all that was needed in order for me to see the truth...the blind fold was lifted and all I could see was that I was living an illusion.
I have no hard feelings ..no hate or anger...Au contraire,  I would love to thank my Ex Husband and his wife for what they have done..because without  that I would still be living a miserable life...who knows maybe one day I thank them personally for that...

I have a friend telling me that I should be proud of myself, that I'm very strong even if I don't see that, and that one day I will be rewarded...

My freedom and peace of mind are rewards enough for me...I gained myself back..myself that have been lost for years...and today I'm a bit wiser than 7 years ago...so I know what not to attract anymore...I know when to set boundaries and what not to expect from others.

Today I know my worth, and I know that in no case I will settle for less than I deserve...
The PAIN broke me, yet it made me stronger, wiser ..after reaching rock bottom..here I am standing tall, confident and no matter what comes my way from now on...I will handle it.
People tend to hold on to the memories..I won't, I never clanged to memories, places or people...as life goes on, I leave everything behind and move on...no lingering, no regrets, no second chances.

My list to the universe is made...and somethings are already manifesting in a big way...

Today is the first day of the rest of my life...I'm writing my own script and life is my stage.  
I laugh, I dance, I love and I dream... Finally.

..

  

Ramadan Kareem

For the first time in weeks I felt sad today, It's my first Ramadan alone, since years...I felt the tears rushing down my cheeks, quickly wiped them of and whispered to myself " next year you won't be alone".
I know, these were just emotions taking over me..they say old habits die hard..and when you got used to a certain routine in your life, sometimes it takes more than hard work to break the habits.
Yes, my first Ramadan alone in 7 years, and it will be followed by my first Eid Al Fitr alone and so on...am I getting mad over this?? NOPE! I'm just reflecting on fact.
It's been a long and sometimes hard journey...there were days where I didn't have the power or the energy to even brush my teeth..go to work do regular stuff...I believe that today I'm in a much much better and healthier place..I thrive in my new situation and to be honest I like it.

Ramadan Kareem to all of you,

Ramadan Kareem and may Allah bless you all.

Reflection

Still two weeks to go...very long two weeks to close the chapter to the past once and for all.
Looking back, and remembering the tsunami I went through, the thoughts I had then, the fears, I never thought I would survive, today I laugh and regret the tears I've shed, today I feel different, strong and in control of my OWN LIFE...
I enjoy the peace, I enjoy going to sleep without having to worry, without waking up with panic attacks and nightmares...I simply enjoy my life.
I'm typing this, sitting in my balcony, sipping an espresso and listening to my favourite music with a big smile on my face...I now know that I'm done with the past...and of course I'm looking forward to what the future holds for me...
I was knocked down, hit rock bottom, but like a phoenix I rose back from the ashes...a better and improved me...

I don't dwell in the what ifs ...for me there's only  now and tomorrow...no more yesterdays...and why waste energy with yesterday when we already know that we can't undo what's already done :P

I'm in a much happier place today..more at peace..more in sync with myself...even people noticed " I'm glowing and more vibrant".

I spent  time and energy on myself...yoga, meditation, went through books, journalling, praying and I must say it paid of...and I'm proud of myself...I didn't go through the self destruction road.

I cried, there was time I couldn't stand being around people, seeing happy couples together...but today, I smile whenever I see a couple in love...that simply makes me happy.

I met new people, good people who empowered me, who understood where I was coming from and who put all their effort to stand by me and for that I'm grateful.

Of course, I had also my support system, my best friends, who bless them all, made always the time to check on me and cheer me up if I had one of those days.

Two weeks to go and then I'm officially free... I'm looking for that day with anticipation...flight is booked for a trip ( Istanbul in August), and planning two more trips before the end of the year London in September and  Las Vegas in October) ..Life is simply AMAZING.
They say...when life gives you a lemon, make lemonade out of it..I say..cut the lemon in two, and squeeze it in the eyes of the one who gave it to you in the first place...sometimes it's not enough to play by the rules...sometimes you have to make your own rules.

xoxo

The Mystery Man

I don't know if my mind is playing tricks on me or if I'm seriously getting crazy...
At first, I didn't pay much attention to the dream I had couple of weeks ago, I categorized it as random due to emotional and physical stress and that was just my subconscious or maybe my conscious mind trying to cope with whatever I was dealing with.
First Dream: I was somewhere crowded to the point that I felt suffocated by all the people around me...I tried to get away from the crowd but was pushed further into it I stumbled and fell..and there a hand appeared out of nowhere and lifted me up...and I heard a voice saying " I got You" I didn't even had the chance to thank the person, ask him his name or even see his features...I woke up...
Second Dream: I was at a mall, doing some last minute shopping, heading back to my car, a person calling after me ...I turn and there a tall silhouette heading towards me...handing me a bag...all I heard was" you forgot this one" I thanked him and asked " you are the same guy who helped me last time?"
he looked at me with his jet black eyes " yes and soon you will know more" and he vanished .,,
Unlike the first dream, this one kept me thinking, seeing the same person twice in a dream can't be a coincidence..there must be something behind this...knowing that 90% of my dreams or the messages I get through dreaming were always accurate...so like a good girl ..I said to myself "Third time is  charm...if this mystery man appears again ..then it's a sign"
Now you must be wondering if he appeared ... well let me tell you this..not once, not twice..but almost every other night...
Third Dream: I was walking on the beach all alone, and there he was...next to me ..tall with his olive skin tone, short black hair, white T and blue shorts...he held my hand and kept walking next to me...I asked many questions to which he replied" soon we will meet..just keep going...take care of yourself, you are on the right path and I'm on my way to come to you..."
In every dream he was repeating the same message " soon, hang in there ..when all is over we will meet and I will change your life forever".
Sometimes, I think that I'm going mad, that I have lost my mind and become delusional, and I tell myself this is my mind playing tricks on me...but how can that be when I can describe a person to a T a person I have never met in my life and yet I feel as if I have known him my entire life..., the only clues I have in this endeavour are if in one single day I see the Letter "A" a Dove and a white and red Heart (which he told me about in at least 4 dreams and never paid attention to), then the day I will meet this Mystery Man is getting closer... well I saw the letter A, the red and white heart and the dove on Thursday all by chance in a span of 5 hours..
The Dreams are getting more vivid night after night...and believe me, I started looking forward to going to bed fore-that is the reality I need to live in...
To Be Continued....

Obsession

I know, the journey to recovery...self healing...takes a lot of strength, patience, effort and especially courage...and although I give my 100% I find myself obsessing over things.

The last 2 days, I was obsessing about the apartment I want to rent, nothing vacant yet, I'm really getting to an unhealthy place, to a point that it's making me in a bad mood...I called my mom venting to her about the apartment, my friends...

I caught myself obsessing about it today at least every other 30 minutes...that's not normal...my Boss told me you are very impatient...it will come in time...just wait...I found myself answering..I want it now...I just need that apartment to be able to start working on myself and finding my peace of mind, and he let out this phrase" don't you see that you are already working on yourself and that you are not the old YOU..a much BETTER YOU"

I went back to my desk, searched for a positive affirmations video, put my head set on and listened to that video for an hour while I was putting the finishing touches to the project I was working on...I felt good...I stopped thinking about that apartment..(well now I'm thinking about again :) ).

So tonight before sleeping, I will pray to God, and I will use my imagination and my thoughts to manifest my beautiful apartment, i will see myself living in it...



  

From the Heart

Oh Boy...Life sometimes really tests you to the core, and while during these hard moments we can lose all hope, faith, sense of time and space...there's that voice inside that keeps nagging day after day " GO ON ...YOU CAN DO IT..1 STEP AT A TIME"...

I went to Hell and back, or so I thought...my life shifted a 180 degrees over a couple of months, but today when I look back at those hard times - although still fresh and recent- I can proudly say I'm STRONG, and nothing and no one can hold me back or bring me down any more... 

Once you get stabbed by those who were the closest to you and they just don't stab and leave you to bleed, they keep twisting the knife over and over until you feel the pain any more.

Narcissists are like leaches, they suck the life out of you and leave you there, motionless, senseless, hopeless... or so they think...they steal the joy of life, the happiness and just replace it with fear and doubts and bitterness.

Today, I'm a happier person, enjoying the simple things in life, putting my effort on ME, on my work, and for true friends, friends whom I consider my family.

I was lucky enough to have good people supporting me in my tough times, people who took the time to be there for me when I needed them, people who till today are behind me at 100%. and I'm forever grateful... 

I've leaned my lesson the hard way...and today I know: not everyone deserves "the benefit of the doubt"and that you should trust your gut feeling 100% of the times...twisted minds just need to be left behind, no remorse, no what ifs and what about??..

June 18 will be a big day for me, so I'm so looking forward to that day to finally close the door to the past forever...I'm not going to look back..I'm not going to feel sad...I'm just going to look forward and celebrate my life.

1 year from today ,,,