Today, I decided to open up about my depression, I knew I have been suffering from it for a while but I just want to get it out there and be able to breathe.
Fact is, when you struggle with depression and anxiety you try your hardest to hide them, you act as if everything is ok and fine, but in reality there's a constant war waging in your head, and you go through highs and lows in an instant with no justifications.
I spent the last 4 months, in and out of Hospitals, all the possible hormonal tests were done to me, but i always hid the fact that I had trouble sleeping, immense mood swings and that I'm constantly exhausted and that I wake up with panic attacks, even when i meet my friends (and which is becoming more rare because I'm honestly avoiding to meet anyone) I had this reality..and just say all is good.
So what changed?
I had to go to the hospital again today, totally unrelated to whatever i'm going through..i was just feeling constantly cold, not cold..freezing..It's 36℃ even more, and i'm rocking long sleeves, i shut down all AC in my house and not even using it in my car... when the doctor asked we what symptoms i was having i found myself talking nonsense and actually CRYING...kind of her to hear me out and check my file and see all the test and then looked at me and said we have to redo some of those tests and then check with other doctors, but i certainly can tell that whatever you are going through is more mental then physical.
I immediately called my neighbor, who is a life coach, she always tried to get me to open up, but never had the guts to do it..and simply asked her if it was ok with her to grab that coffee together..she immediately understood and said sure whenever you want.
My point is that when you struggle with depression and anxiety you are pulled into different directions at the same time..your brain doesn't rest, you are in a constant state of fear and doubt...you think about everything and nothing at the same time..one moment you say screw it and the other you obsess about the same issue..and it ends up taking a toll on you..mentally, physically and emotionally...and no matter what you try it doesn't seem helping..maybe just for that instant you will feel good - it's my case anyways- but as soon as you are done with it you plunge back into the chaos and you can't get out of it and you feel like you are chasing your tail.
I wrote to my friend this morning..I can't take it anymore..I'm so tired...I'm doing all these meditations, breathing techniques and even praying to God but the moment i stop ..I'm back to square one... I asked her when do you thing my life took a turn for its worst? where did I do the mistakes??...when did I deviate from my path that i was supposed to follow??? because i don't know when!! was it when i chose to relocate to this country?? or when i chose to change career path?? or when i got married?? or when i chose to believe that people can actually be good?? or ?? or ??
and her answer was simple yet shocking to me...the moment you stopped believing in yourself!!!
Those same questions i asked my friend..i have been asking myself for the past few months over and over and over again...
Yes, I stopped believing in myself because my faith has been shattered...and with losing that bit that was holding me together I lost myself to depression..I didn't chose to be depressed..it just creeped on me and leached and thrived on those dark parts of my mind...until it became crippling and debilitating, and the more I pushed back ..my anxiety grew and now instead of dealing with one issue i have to deal with two.
No..I'm not fine or ok...I have been suffering in silence.
Fact is, when you struggle with depression and anxiety you try your hardest to hide them, you act as if everything is ok and fine, but in reality there's a constant war waging in your head, and you go through highs and lows in an instant with no justifications.
I spent the last 4 months, in and out of Hospitals, all the possible hormonal tests were done to me, but i always hid the fact that I had trouble sleeping, immense mood swings and that I'm constantly exhausted and that I wake up with panic attacks, even when i meet my friends (and which is becoming more rare because I'm honestly avoiding to meet anyone) I had this reality..and just say all is good.
So what changed?
I had to go to the hospital again today, totally unrelated to whatever i'm going through..i was just feeling constantly cold, not cold..freezing..It's 36℃ even more, and i'm rocking long sleeves, i shut down all AC in my house and not even using it in my car... when the doctor asked we what symptoms i was having i found myself talking nonsense and actually CRYING...kind of her to hear me out and check my file and see all the test and then looked at me and said we have to redo some of those tests and then check with other doctors, but i certainly can tell that whatever you are going through is more mental then physical.
I immediately called my neighbor, who is a life coach, she always tried to get me to open up, but never had the guts to do it..and simply asked her if it was ok with her to grab that coffee together..she immediately understood and said sure whenever you want.
My point is that when you struggle with depression and anxiety you are pulled into different directions at the same time..your brain doesn't rest, you are in a constant state of fear and doubt...you think about everything and nothing at the same time..one moment you say screw it and the other you obsess about the same issue..and it ends up taking a toll on you..mentally, physically and emotionally...and no matter what you try it doesn't seem helping..maybe just for that instant you will feel good - it's my case anyways- but as soon as you are done with it you plunge back into the chaos and you can't get out of it and you feel like you are chasing your tail.
I wrote to my friend this morning..I can't take it anymore..I'm so tired...I'm doing all these meditations, breathing techniques and even praying to God but the moment i stop ..I'm back to square one... I asked her when do you thing my life took a turn for its worst? where did I do the mistakes??...when did I deviate from my path that i was supposed to follow??? because i don't know when!! was it when i chose to relocate to this country?? or when i chose to change career path?? or when i got married?? or when i chose to believe that people can actually be good?? or ?? or ??
and her answer was simple yet shocking to me...the moment you stopped believing in yourself!!!
Those same questions i asked my friend..i have been asking myself for the past few months over and over and over again...
Yes, I stopped believing in myself because my faith has been shattered...and with losing that bit that was holding me together I lost myself to depression..I didn't chose to be depressed..it just creeped on me and leached and thrived on those dark parts of my mind...until it became crippling and debilitating, and the more I pushed back ..my anxiety grew and now instead of dealing with one issue i have to deal with two.
No..I'm not fine or ok...I have been suffering in silence.
