40

Today is the beginning of the rest of my life,a new chapter, a new journey..and although life wasn't always kind to me, I still enjoy the little things that it brings my way...new friendships..new opportunities..laughter and even tears.

The past 9 months i had to face ugly truths head on..and it was tough...and it was an endless storm spinning around me..taking me out of balance...i couldn't breathe...i couldn't sleep..my life simply stopped...there were days i just felt the need and the urge to give up..there were days i wished death will simply come upon me.

Three Months ago...I was like a little kid again..jumping up and down from happiness...it was May 14, something shifted in me...i could feel that the sadness that was there was gone...there was just me...and You.

I write this to those who in a moment of despair think of the dark only and fail to see the light.
I've been there...and i could feel how the darkness was taking over ...

Life kicked me hard..broke me down...and when i tried to get up and fight back..it simply gave me the final blow...but today...I take that as an added experience for my future that is yet to come...and without what happened..i could have never known what i truly desire or deserve.

so therefore..my next 365 days...I say BRING IT ON..I'm ready ...
Today I celebrate my 40th Birthday and i know exactly which path i'm taking and where i will end up by next year...
My  best treat is yet to come... soon ..very soon.

  

Thank You All

This post is dedicated to all those who stood by me for the past six months, those who were there for me when I was going through rough time...
I could never thank you enough, for all your support and words of wisdom, all the encouragements and the love.

We say that when God closes a door he opens a window, i found many windows opening at once..everyone and each one of you was there lending me a helping hand in which ever way possible.

Parents, brothers, dear friends, colleagues, my boss, my management, clients, even Mr. Stranger I crossed path with at a petrol station ( your words are still ringing in my ears)...
you may never get to read this...but my gratitude to you is beyond words...I will be forever thankful.

With your help and constant support, I was able to face my own demons and be where I am at today.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart and God bless you all as he blessed me with your presence in my life.

Finally

I'm writing this on June 12, yet this will only be published on the 19th or 20th, one week or so ..because on that day I will be officially and finally free...free to live my life at the fullest...without judgement without the shadow of still being "married" and that i have to wait the 3 months period to be able to get on with my life " not that I've been locked in a dark room without windows or something...it only means that i can finally fall in love and get on with my life.

My girl friends promised me a night out to celebrate the end of this messed up period...mentally, emotionally and physically I have done all the work that was needed on myself and I moved on...and today i just wonder how on earth did I stay in that marriage for so long...even when people ask me why did I stay for so long ..I don't seem to find an answer!!!

Today I celebrate my new life ahead...close the doors on a bitter sweet past "but mostly bitter"...today I embrace my new journey...I don't know where the roads will end up leading me ..but all I know is that I'm hungry for life, striving for fulfillment, accomplishments and success...too many doors started opening for me, too many signs of synchronicity are popping all over at all times...things I didn't believe i could do yesterday seem so easy and effortless.

I missed on life for 7 years, 7 years I thought or let me say I was under the illusion of being alive while i was dead inside...and tho the struggle was real..the pain tore me apart when the divorce papers were signed and I cried my soul out...today I can see, that all that was needed in order for me to see the truth...the blind fold was lifted and all I could see was that I was living an illusion.
I have no hard feelings ..no hate or anger...Au contraire,  I would love to thank my Ex Husband and his wife for what they have done..because without  that I would still be living a miserable life...who knows maybe one day I thank them personally for that...

I have a friend telling me that I should be proud of myself, that I'm very strong even if I don't see that, and that one day I will be rewarded...

My freedom and peace of mind are rewards enough for me...I gained myself back..myself that have been lost for years...and today I'm a bit wiser than 7 years ago...so I know what not to attract anymore...I know when to set boundaries and what not to expect from others.

Today I know my worth, and I know that in no case I will settle for less than I deserve...
The PAIN broke me, yet it made me stronger, wiser ..after reaching rock bottom..here I am standing tall, confident and no matter what comes my way from now on...I will handle it.
People tend to hold on to the memories..I won't, I never clanged to memories, places or people...as life goes on, I leave everything behind and move on...no lingering, no regrets, no second chances.

My list to the universe is made...and somethings are already manifesting in a big way...

Today is the first day of the rest of my life...I'm writing my own script and life is my stage.  
I laugh, I dance, I love and I dream... Finally.

..

  

Ramadan Kareem

For the first time in weeks I felt sad today, It's my first Ramadan alone, since years...I felt the tears rushing down my cheeks, quickly wiped them of and whispered to myself " next year you won't be alone".
I know, these were just emotions taking over me..they say old habits die hard..and when you got used to a certain routine in your life, sometimes it takes more than hard work to break the habits.
Yes, my first Ramadan alone in 7 years, and it will be followed by my first Eid Al Fitr alone and so on...am I getting mad over this?? NOPE! I'm just reflecting on fact.
It's been a long and sometimes hard journey...there were days where I didn't have the power or the energy to even brush my teeth..go to work do regular stuff...I believe that today I'm in a much much better and healthier place..I thrive in my new situation and to be honest I like it.

Ramadan Kareem to all of you,

Ramadan Kareem and may Allah bless you all.

Reflection

Still two weeks to go...very long two weeks to close the chapter to the past once and for all.
Looking back, and remembering the tsunami I went through, the thoughts I had then, the fears, I never thought I would survive, today I laugh and regret the tears I've shed, today I feel different, strong and in control of my OWN LIFE...
I enjoy the peace, I enjoy going to sleep without having to worry, without waking up with panic attacks and nightmares...I simply enjoy my life.
I'm typing this, sitting in my balcony, sipping an espresso and listening to my favourite music with a big smile on my face...I now know that I'm done with the past...and of course I'm looking forward to what the future holds for me...
I was knocked down, hit rock bottom, but like a phoenix I rose back from the ashes...a better and improved me...

I don't dwell in the what ifs ...for me there's only  now and tomorrow...no more yesterdays...and why waste energy with yesterday when we already know that we can't undo what's already done :P

I'm in a much happier place today..more at peace..more in sync with myself...even people noticed " I'm glowing and more vibrant".

I spent  time and energy on myself...yoga, meditation, went through books, journalling, praying and I must say it paid of...and I'm proud of myself...I didn't go through the self destruction road.

I cried, there was time I couldn't stand being around people, seeing happy couples together...but today, I smile whenever I see a couple in love...that simply makes me happy.

I met new people, good people who empowered me, who understood where I was coming from and who put all their effort to stand by me and for that I'm grateful.

Of course, I had also my support system, my best friends, who bless them all, made always the time to check on me and cheer me up if I had one of those days.

Two weeks to go and then I'm officially free... I'm looking for that day with anticipation...flight is booked for a trip ( Istanbul in August), and planning two more trips before the end of the year London in September and  Las Vegas in October) ..Life is simply AMAZING.
They say...when life gives you a lemon, make lemonade out of it..I say..cut the lemon in two, and squeeze it in the eyes of the one who gave it to you in the first place...sometimes it's not enough to play by the rules...sometimes you have to make your own rules.

xoxo

The Mystery Man

I don't know if my mind is playing tricks on me or if I'm seriously getting crazy...
At first, I didn't pay much attention to the dream I had couple of weeks ago, I categorized it as random due to emotional and physical stress and that was just my subconscious or maybe my conscious mind trying to cope with whatever I was dealing with.
First Dream: I was somewhere crowded to the point that I felt suffocated by all the people around me...I tried to get away from the crowd but was pushed further into it I stumbled and fell..and there a hand appeared out of nowhere and lifted me up...and I heard a voice saying " I got You" I didn't even had the chance to thank the person, ask him his name or even see his features...I woke up...
Second Dream: I was at a mall, doing some last minute shopping, heading back to my car, a person calling after me ...I turn and there a tall silhouette heading towards me...handing me a bag...all I heard was" you forgot this one" I thanked him and asked " you are the same guy who helped me last time?"
he looked at me with his jet black eyes " yes and soon you will know more" and he vanished .,,
Unlike the first dream, this one kept me thinking, seeing the same person twice in a dream can't be a coincidence..there must be something behind this...knowing that 90% of my dreams or the messages I get through dreaming were always accurate...so like a good girl ..I said to myself "Third time is  charm...if this mystery man appears again ..then it's a sign"
Now you must be wondering if he appeared ... well let me tell you this..not once, not twice..but almost every other night...
Third Dream: I was walking on the beach all alone, and there he was...next to me ..tall with his olive skin tone, short black hair, white T and blue shorts...he held my hand and kept walking next to me...I asked many questions to which he replied" soon we will meet..just keep going...take care of yourself, you are on the right path and I'm on my way to come to you..."
In every dream he was repeating the same message " soon, hang in there ..when all is over we will meet and I will change your life forever".
Sometimes, I think that I'm going mad, that I have lost my mind and become delusional, and I tell myself this is my mind playing tricks on me...but how can that be when I can describe a person to a T a person I have never met in my life and yet I feel as if I have known him my entire life..., the only clues I have in this endeavour are if in one single day I see the Letter "A" a Dove and a white and red Heart (which he told me about in at least 4 dreams and never paid attention to), then the day I will meet this Mystery Man is getting closer... well I saw the letter A, the red and white heart and the dove on Thursday all by chance in a span of 5 hours..
The Dreams are getting more vivid night after night...and believe me, I started looking forward to going to bed fore-that is the reality I need to live in...
To Be Continued....

Obsession

I know, the journey to recovery...self healing...takes a lot of strength, patience, effort and especially courage...and although I give my 100% I find myself obsessing over things.

The last 2 days, I was obsessing about the apartment I want to rent, nothing vacant yet, I'm really getting to an unhealthy place, to a point that it's making me in a bad mood...I called my mom venting to her about the apartment, my friends...

I caught myself obsessing about it today at least every other 30 minutes...that's not normal...my Boss told me you are very impatient...it will come in time...just wait...I found myself answering..I want it now...I just need that apartment to be able to start working on myself and finding my peace of mind, and he let out this phrase" don't you see that you are already working on yourself and that you are not the old YOU..a much BETTER YOU"

I went back to my desk, searched for a positive affirmations video, put my head set on and listened to that video for an hour while I was putting the finishing touches to the project I was working on...I felt good...I stopped thinking about that apartment..(well now I'm thinking about again :) ).

So tonight before sleeping, I will pray to God, and I will use my imagination and my thoughts to manifest my beautiful apartment, i will see myself living in it...