The Monster in your Head

Today, I decided to open up about my depression, I knew I have been suffering from it for a while but I just want to get it out there and be able to breathe.

Fact is, when you struggle with depression and anxiety you try your hardest to hide them, you act as if everything is ok and fine, but in reality there's  a constant war waging in your head, and you go through highs and lows in an instant with no justifications.

I spent the last 4 months, in and out of Hospitals, all the possible hormonal tests were done to me, but i always hid the fact that I had trouble sleeping, immense mood swings and that I'm constantly exhausted and that I wake up with panic attacks, even when i meet my friends (and which is becoming more rare because I'm honestly avoiding to meet anyone) I had this reality..and just say all is good.

So what changed?

I had to go to the hospital again today, totally unrelated to whatever i'm going through..i was just feeling constantly cold, not cold..freezing..It's 36℃ even more, and i'm rocking long sleeves, i shut down all AC in my house and not even using it in my car... when the doctor asked we what symptoms i was having i found myself talking nonsense and actually CRYING...kind of her to hear me out and check my file and see all the test and then looked at me and said we have to redo some of those tests and then check with other doctors, but i certainly can tell that whatever you are going through is more mental then physical.

I immediately called my neighbor, who is a life coach, she always tried to get me to open up, but never had the guts to do it..and simply asked her if it was ok with her to grab that coffee together..she immediately understood and said sure whenever you want.

My point is that when you struggle with depression and anxiety you are pulled into different directions at the same time..your brain doesn't rest, you are in a constant state of fear and doubt...you think about everything and nothing at the same time..one moment you say screw it and the other you obsess about the same issue..and it ends up taking a toll on you..mentally, physically and emotionally...and no matter what you try it doesn't seem helping..maybe just for that instant you will feel good - it's my case anyways- but as soon as you are done with it you plunge back into the chaos and you can't get out of it and you feel like you are chasing your tail.

I wrote to my friend this morning..I can't take it anymore..I'm so tired...I'm doing all these meditations, breathing techniques and even praying to God but the moment i stop ..I'm back to square one... I asked her when do you thing my life took a turn for its worst? where did I do the mistakes??...when did I deviate from my path that i was supposed to follow??? because i don't know when!! was it when i chose to relocate to this country?? or when i chose to change career path?? or when i got married?? or when i chose to believe that people can actually be good?? or ?? or ??
and her answer was simple yet shocking to me...the moment you stopped believing in yourself!!!

Those same questions i asked my friend..i have been asking myself for the past few months over and over and over again...
Yes, I stopped believing in myself because my faith has been shattered...and with losing that bit that was holding me together I lost myself to depression..I didn't chose to be depressed..it just creeped  on me and leached and thrived on those dark parts of my mind...until it became crippling and debilitating, and the more I pushed back ..my anxiety grew and now instead of dealing with one issue i have to deal with two.

No..I'm not fine or ok...I have been suffering in silence.

Happy New Year

Don't expect a long list of resolutions for this year..that never works anyways...

I simply wanted to wish you..the ones who take the time to read my silly and boring posts a Happy New Year...

It was a hectic week, between Christmas celebrations at The Ritz Carlton, to looking after Hercules ( my friends dog) and cooking New Years Eve dinner for friends... but we all made it...none of us had to be alone or depressed, we gathered at my place, and made the best of it..with the countdown and everything 😁

All I wish for this year, is to see those I cherish for life, happy and fulfilled,

Happy New Year Everyone, stay happy, and stay awesome 😙😗

Hopeless Romantic

I always had a vivid imagination, I always sobbed when the hero died in the arms of his or her beloved, I always pictured that my own life, my own love story will be as intense as the ones i watched in the big or small screen...Perhaps i was asking for too much, perhaps no one got my way of thinking...I'm a hopeless romantic who enjoys watching a sun rise in the arms of the one I love.

I had that love once (strike that out) I thought i had that love once...in my delusional state of mind, i believed that lie..that is now a far distant memory...because as soon as I pulled myself out of charade, i saw what was, what should never have been and what was to come if i was to hang on that thread of lies and deceit, and despite everything I'm still a hopeless romantic...

For months I locked my heart in a box and hid the key in a secret place and vowed, to never ever love again, or allow myself that feeling, i wasn't ready to go the heart break and pain again and again...I wasn't looking to love or to be loved all though I missed that feeling deeply, i would stop myself and say never again...and then you step into my life...and things change...

how long have we known each other? two weeks? three? why does it feel that i have known you for an eternity...you were not just a random stranger I have crossed path with someday...i know that i know you...you seem familiar...everything is easy with you...talking, venting, joking even dreaming is easier with you..

I love it when I wake up in the morning, knowing that a message will be waiting for me...your voice is the last thing i hear when i go to sleep, and the first thing I hear when i wake up...I love your random texts that hit me out of nowhere and make me giggle the whole time...and as I am a hopeless romantic you are the same..and i love that about you...

you talked about how we will watch the sunrise together, walk hand in hand, the places we would visit together and the things we will do...the food we will eat, the music we will dance to...i almost freaked out ..in my head i know I wrote all those things down in my letters to the universe ..down to the bubble bath and the lazy mornings in a rainy day...

You see me as I am...and with you I'm myself...I'm me ..that part that i buried deep long ago...and now I'm opening that box again, to let that heart beat again as it should have long ago...

Did we plan for this??? I sure didn't, till days ago we were just checking on each other from time to time..seeing how things were going..what we were up to...just random conversations and hangouts and places to go... wait for it ..your favorite word " Lounging" ...

And then you hit me out of the blue..with I like you,...I mean, ok what's not to like about me??( not striking that out) but my question to you was ..you don't even know me!!! how the hell can you like me?? 

You are thousands of miles away from me, yet it is as if you are here, there's no hour that passes by without me hearing your voice, or you checking on me...

You said you feel that we are connected, somehow, someway we are connected...i don't know how the universe works but I can tell that this is some crazy stuff going on and that I have to have faith.

I only hope ..I won't crash and burn again...and until I see you ...I'm going to have faith...because I'm a hopeless romantic. 

 

Reality Check

Life can be cruel, no, let me rephrase, people can be cruel, they play on your emotions, take you for a ride, and drop you in the middle of the abyss and expect you to be cool with it...

December 6, was a bad day...it started with waking up late with the aftermath of  food poisoning, a busy day at work with no end..and a bloody msg that somehow I was expecting but not so soon...

Why can't I be fake like the rest , why can't I hide my true face behind a mask and just pretend to be helpless...I called my friend asking her what the hell is wrong with me..am i so scary...she calmly replied..you are a deep soul..rare are those who get you and who understand you...so i called another friend and asked him the same question " what the hell is wrong with me" he replied: you are a strong woman, and you intimidated guys..don't you get it..you know exactly what you want and how you want it ..and that scares the shit out of us..." so i asked him should i just pretend to be someone I'm not? and he said..NEVER...cause there's nothing wrong with you.

I drove home exhausted, tired, my ego half bruised and thinking about next day's meetings and work load...as soon as i reached, i picked my black note book and ripped all my letters to the universe, went out to the balcony and watched them burn,,and somehow it felt good...i took a deep breath and smoked my cigarette..it just felt good seeing all that burn and turn into ash.

I was in no mood for anything..i just lay down on my couch gazing at the ceiling, my mind went blank...i'm not thinking...i can't think of anything...phones were ringing... not gonna answer that...
and I just drifted away...

Someone said to me I deserve honesty...I bet you I do..and while I have the guts to be real and raw..others hide behind false masks and pretexts.
Life goes on no matter what...that's what I've learned...

My ego might be bruised...but I'm not making it easy on anyone either...nor i'm planning change for anyone just to please him, this is me...all of me ..bad and good...you don't get to pick and chose parts of me...
Today will be another day...and I will still be me...




  

Reflection 2

This will probably be the longest post I will ever share..
First, I thank all of you, my family, friends,colleagues for the birthday wishes..i had someone sing Happy Birthday at midnight :)
Now that I'm 40, and yes still HOT AF, and no I'm not OLD...i feel the urge to give you my view on life.. and it's up to you to take it or leave it..
Life won't be always kind to you..life will give you good days where you will feel on top of your game..but life as we all know it..will fuck you over and over and over till you won't have the force to breathe and look for the easy way out.
I've been there..many time and with each lesson learned, the blows get tougher and harder...I reached rock bottom..there were days where i was enable to get out of bed, i couldn't catch a breath, i was just sick and tired of all of it..and the harder I pushed back..the more resistance i found in everything..i just couldn't get that one break that will get me back to who I'am.
It's hard to be out of balance...everything spirals around you and you feel as if you are in the middle of a tsunami...but guess what...that Tsunami will reach his end point and you will get out of it ..maybe not the same as you were before..but you will make it.
Take it from me, as I'm a bit wiser with my 40 years now :P 
Don't fight it...don't waste your energy..chose your battles and chose the ones you are willing to battle for...not everyone is worth your kindness and love..not everyone deserves your loyalty.
Set boundaries..and be selfish..be selfish and know who you really are and what you really need and deserve, never ever settle for less than you deserve, never compromise and never take shit from anyone.
I have learned the hard way...because i believed in the good nature of people " Just forget it" because it came back to bite me in my ass.
Take the time to nurture yourself, love yourself before offering your love to others, know yourself, your desires, your fears, your pains, Just take the time to be with yourself and speak to it like a little child...we all have been conditioned to follow like sheeps...and never learned how to take care of our own selves...
Cherish those who are there for you in your darkest hours, those one are the true gems in your life...and never look back and regret the past...those who are out of your life are out for your own good..
and always remember that your own happiness lies in your own hands..no one can make you happy except for yourself.
Hardships and tribulations can either make you stronger or break you into pieces..it's up to you if you want to crawl in a hole and stay there or rise like a phoenix from the ashes...stronger, wiser and hungrier... and most importantly be grateful.
I'm gonna shut up now.
Have a wonderful day and God Bless You All.
Love you.

40

Today is the beginning of the rest of my life,a new chapter, a new journey..and although life wasn't always kind to me, I still enjoy the little things that it brings my way...new friendships..new opportunities..laughter and even tears.

The past 9 months i had to face ugly truths head on..and it was tough...and it was an endless storm spinning around me..taking me out of balance...i couldn't breathe...i couldn't sleep..my life simply stopped...there were days i just felt the need and the urge to give up..there were days i wished death will simply come upon me.

Three Months ago...I was like a little kid again..jumping up and down from happiness...it was May 14, something shifted in me...i could feel that the sadness that was there was gone...there was just me...and You.

I write this to those who in a moment of despair think of the dark only and fail to see the light.
I've been there...and i could feel how the darkness was taking over ...

Life kicked me hard..broke me down...and when i tried to get up and fight back..it simply gave me the final blow...but today...I take that as an added experience for my future that is yet to come...and without what happened..i could have never known what i truly desire or deserve.

so therefore..my next 365 days...I say BRING IT ON..I'm ready ...
Today I celebrate my 40th Birthday and i know exactly which path i'm taking and where i will end up by next year...
My  best treat is yet to come... soon ..very soon.

  

Thank You All

This post is dedicated to all those who stood by me for the past six months, those who were there for me when I was going through rough time...
I could never thank you enough, for all your support and words of wisdom, all the encouragements and the love.

We say that when God closes a door he opens a window, i found many windows opening at once..everyone and each one of you was there lending me a helping hand in which ever way possible.

Parents, brothers, dear friends, colleagues, my boss, my management, clients, even Mr. Stranger I crossed path with at a petrol station ( your words are still ringing in my ears)...
you may never get to read this...but my gratitude to you is beyond words...I will be forever thankful.

With your help and constant support, I was able to face my own demons and be where I am at today.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart and God bless you all as he blessed me with your presence in my life.